"58"
Let's toast our goblets of poison!
Drink up, drink up
It takes but one drop to bring me to my knees!
Drink up, drink up
It takes one second to give this poison room to feed!
I'm slowly swallowing this sea of soaking lechery!
I'm sipping seeping sips of sudden sweeping festering feeding
That keep eating and eating until my eyes are still bleeding.
I'm still keeping and keeping those eyes shut but they're peeking!
They're peeking!
They're seeing what they shouldn't be seeing!
My little lies in my little room keep my gloom on gross repeating.
My poison drips from my lips as I drool over death and cough up my spit!
There has to be more than this,
Oh God give me more than this!
Give that strength you have to resist.
"57"
When I see your words
Spread out on your canvas,
I start to day dream of those African sunsets
As the sun is a little more than half past the horizon line,
And I start to weep!
I will never be able to cram this over-expansive concept of you
Into my little glass box of theory and theology!
I will never be able to calculate all the angles of your unstable love,
Nor can I be able to ever truly have enough words to describe the peace it gives me!
Those clouds in heaven are enough to baffle a man for a lifetime
And I will stare at that sky wondering how on earth you do it all.
My thoughts are still smothered in awe from the night stars,
To where I can't even attempt to imagine what life would be without you.
"56"
I wrote a book and a half about how I thought I knew about love.
I never knew enough, I never knew enough.
These white walls feel so dry
When I lean against my side.
Is this what it feels like?
Is this what it feels like to be in love?
Am I just an empty heart now that I walked away!
I wonder what it'd be like if I stayed!
Maybe I'm a little lonely, but that's okay,
I just miss yesterday
When the sun set and we were still around.
Is this what it feels like to be in love?
To never have enough?
To always miss what you give up?
To take the pain away with drugs,
But still pray that one day you'll wake up
And it will be some dream you made up.
I can't sleep, but I'm too tired of thinking to hold my eyelids open.
I just want your soft words spoken.
Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about,
But I miss yesterday
When the sun set and we were still around.
Maybe one day I'll wake up
And forget that I gave up
On a day that I'll never make up.
Or maybe it's just all in my head!
Maybe I'm still dying from those nights alone in my bed!
Maybe I'm still dying from what I did instead
Of staying asleep like all the good boys should have been.
Maybe I'm just desperate for anything to fill my heart,
As long as it's not God who's playing his part!
Maybe I just want to be empty so badly
That I don't care if I spend a night alone and unhappy!
Maybe I just want God so much that I'd give up anything
To see Him in just one of my dreams.
I don't want to be me anymore.
This wasn't supposed to be me,
This wasn't supposed to be me.
This isn't all they call free,
This isn't what it's like to breathe.
This isn't a normal heartbeat.
Without you here by my side
I'm just an empty heart with empty cries!
There's nothing I want more than your life!
I just want your burning light!
Be my blood and move in my bones.
Be me hope and be my home.
"55"
I've always been in love with myself,
And I always enjoyed chasing my shadow-
Sometimes I stand in between street lights
To watch me stretch far down the roads.
I've always been able to find some kind of peace in being alone,
As long as I had a little bit of me to say I own.
I never needed anyone to tell me who I am.
I do as I please and I do what I can,
I never expected them to understand
That I've always had a perfect plan.
But those mountain look so gorgeous from down here!
Those winds are melodies to my ears
And I fear that I still will dream of when they'll appear
But I'll be too busy to hear.
Being in love with myself is all I've ever known,
But I still hate my voice on my telephone.
I've counted all my poetry lines,
But still I can't sleep at night!
I've seen my reflection a thousand times,
But it's empty, no matter how much I lie.
I'm still alone no matter how hard I try.
I've left myself alone and dry.
Let's sing a sad song to make our hearts slug along,
Maybe one day this rain will right our wrongs.
How many more days will we dream of our mistakes
And drown our hearts in these black parades.
Get back up, the sun is just over the ocean waves.
Get back up, we can't keep living this way.
I need you more than the breathe flowing from my nose
Or the moments when I drown my lungs in smoke.
I can't do anything to take away the pain,
But I trust in those soft spoken words you say.
"54"
I walked down those empty hallways
Past the labs on my way to the bus stop-
I passed by your class
And for a moment I hoped that you were sitting under that tree
Waiting to tell me about how you managed to get another perfect score-
I half daydreamed of you coming up to me,
Holding each other like we'd always be!
But my dreams only last so long before I breathe
And remember how I told you time could never change how I see!
What's wrong with my thoughts that makes me not enjoy you like a melody
When I can see that you're a symphony!
I missed you today.
I honestly just missed having a friend to walk with to my next class
And talk to about my day.
I missed that friend I had to help me when I felt full of dismay!
When I was lonely, she told me she'd stay.
Well, I'm not in love,
And I wish I could make it up
But my words are all I have, and that'll never be enough.
If I could just force myself to love you, I would!
Oh I would if I only knew how I could.
But no glooming song or vibrant memory
Could cause me to feel the same way you feel for me.
Trust me!
I've spent the last months trying to figure it all out!
I've been trying to find a way to fall in love with you now!
But, dear friend,
This wasn't how it had to end!
I tried my best to make it last,
But now I know I shouldn't have been.
Now I know it should have never happened.
I just want to have my friend back!
It's not easy for me to let you know that!
But you meant more to me than I ever told you,
And I just want to hear your voice
Talking to me like Sunday was just a dream
And their was no attraction between you or me.
"53"
Lonely, lonely
Swinging by my only
Lullabies. Take the time to hold me
Before my voice starts going.
I married a murderer!
My heart made love to the queen of dirt
And now that it hurts,
I ask myself at night what it all was worth!
What was it worth for the problems and pain that I feel!
What was it worth for the love that my lust had to steal!
Was it worth all the nights that the lights in my eyes
Went blank in my head and I lost all my sight!
Was it worth all the days that I worked and I spent
Just to find that one day that I would finally forget!
-Amnesia is my hope and my trust
As I wish for the day that my brain will combust.
I want to be a madman with a screaming pen
So that this madness and blood will make this finally end!
Walls, walls, dripping black,
Sing me a song to put me to sleep!
"Drink the goblets and swallow the draft
Until our mouths don't make a peep!"
Keep up, keep up
This is a dance for love and living is hard enough
To keep dancing and singing, and slipping and spitting,
And shouting, and screaming, and keeping these necks still slitting!
"Smash the bottles and shatter the glass,
These bloody hands can't bring you back!"
Rage!
Rage into that stormy room
That clouds so many heads and walks them to their doom!
They can't see, they don't have a clue
What it means to say "Lust I'm dancing with you!"
Rage!
Rage until your eyes burst blue,
Because it's all worth nothing when death becomes truth
And wives become less than best friends and true love,
And late nights become those long days that you dream of.
Rage.
Rage until the sun sets
And you can say that you're not the same man as you were yesterday.
Rage until that rain clears up and your house is standing!
Rage until the clouds come and you can't ever be afraid,
And you look at your wife and just want to start dancing
Because you finally fell in love again, you finally found out the truth
That you never had to look hard, she was always in love with you.
"52, A Letter Left for Love and All the Days I Thought I Knew Its Name"
Dear you,
If you're reading this, you know what to do.
I kept my letters here, in a glass box,
Hidden enough, but still visible to my eyes.
I wrote our names right next to each other,
And left a red rose right beside your name.
I scribble some song notes
But never had the guts to sing them to your frosted window pane.
Dance with those snowflakes in your dreams
Because summer time rain keeps us both drowning.
Dance to the rhythm of the thunder in your head
Before you wake up and miss someone else in your bed.
Dance with those memories that you tucked beneath your bed sheets
So that when I'm gone it won't be so hard to leave.
I keep my closet drawers slammed shut
So that your dripping letter from my blood won't give my heart paper cuts
Like the time when I wanted you and you left me in the dust.
All I wanted was to be able to find someone I could trust!
And in the end I killed myself with those draining thoughts and gusts.
You were made of paper mâché
And when the rain came your skin began to bust.
So dear you!
Dear you who I bruised,
I'm sorry for everything that I do
And I'm sorry that I didn't dance more before somber tunes.
I now see that I miss being friends more than I ever knew.
I can't wait until a few months from now when today is just one of those we got through.
I can't wait until we look back and laugh at these days that we thought were so blue.
I'll stop calling now, and I'll stop leaving voicemails for you to hear,
Because I hope that one day it'll be okay and we can have nothing to fear.
Love, are you out beyond the mountains
Where the heavens touch earth in the upwelling fountains.
I know that I've kept my secrets from you for about two years since I saw her last,
And I know that I've given up on most of that true-love hope I had in the past!
But I know that in the end it'll be easy to grasp
And I will hold on tightly and make sure that it lasts.
Over those mountains, those mountains that block me from your sights,
I will climb over those mountains no matter what the hight
So that I can get over all my burdens and all my plight
And dream of you my dearest delight.
Show me your hands
So I can see the scars that took my pain
And covered my naked soul when I was shamed.
Show me your side
So I can see the hole that saved my heart
And pulled that solid shell apart.
Let me see that crown you wore
So I can worship the king that I adore.
Let my words be a sweet smell
And fill your chambers with twitters from sweet birds.
Let my words be a sweet smell
And fill your halls with echoes and shouts
So loud that the angles shout!
For the glory of my God is nothing to be taken lightly,
And even those mountains in my path will scream with unending groans
Until they make the voice of God known!
For there is nothing that can hold back his burning, passionate love!
And it will flow into the depths of the world and I won't be able to ever have enough!
